The Month of October

October 2009 was a very eventful month.
Early October my dad flew to Ontario to see his sister who had been put in the hospital because her cancer had gotten so bad. On October 10th, at around 9 30 in the morning my aunt Anne passed away. The cancer she'd been fighting for five years and the cancer that had returned five times, finally won.
On the evening October 11th, we had a Thanksgiving dinner. My Grandma and brother were in town and a family friend and his son came over. It was a beautiful dinner, and almost every thing that we ate that night came from within 100 miles.
The next day, October 12th, was my nineteenth birthday and Thanksgiving day, in Canada. That morning we drove my brother to the ferry, because he had school the next day. That evening, my Mom, my Grandma and I had a very nice dinner of left overs and then we had a cake for my birthday. It was actually really quite nice.
A couple of days later my Mom and I took my Grandma home and spent the night at her house on the mainland.
A couple of days after that my Dad got back from Ontario. He was doing okay, but certainly not great.
On October 31st, Halloween, my girlfriend and I got all dressed up and spent the evening dancing our hearts out at the only club in town. It was my first trip to the club and it was actually surprisingly fun. We got hit on by some very interesting characters. There was also a costume contest, and the person who won was a guy dressed up as Gene Simmons, in full KISS apparel. He got a $500 prize, but he spent $700 on his outfit. Ridiculous but hilarious.

Brave Little Me

Tonight for the first time in my not-very-long life I went to a movie by myself. It was, amazingly, a lot of fun. I'm a very cowardly person and not independent in the least, and yet I managed to get my ass out of the house and do something that I find to be a small but very exciting accomplishment. Coincidentally the movie had a lot to do with blogging. The movie was "Julie & Julia", which was very adorable. I especially enjoyed my experience because while I was out doing something that I found oddly empowering for such a simple and trivial thing, the movie was about empowering yourself.
And of course the movie also had elements of romance, because well, how many movies about women don't? Honestly? Anyways, the movie got me strongly thinking about and missing my American. After I got home, I was standing in my kitchen at the sink, drinking a glass of water, just thinking of a conversation between he and I, a conversation that has never actually occured, and I got so happy thinking about him that my eyes started to tear up! Just thinking about him makes me that happy! I don't think I've ever felt like this so quickly before and it is scary! A question to all people who know what it's like to be in a very new relationship and be feeling things that you didn't think you were at all ready to feel, should you resist the feelings or go with them?
I was thinking, recently actually, about people's behaviour when it comes to romance; when we like someone a lot we often try our best to hide those feelings from our special someone. We resist telling them how we really feel, we try not to phone them or email them or text them or see them as much as we want. But we want them to want us badly enough to be doing all of those things as much as we want to be, and yet, they're probably in the same position as us; they're trying to hide their feelings from you. Which as far as I can tell is only something that seems to make people crazy! We become paranoid that our special someone doesn't find us special or they're getting bored and don't want to be with us and all of our hopes and dreams of true love come crashing down in front us and our world starts spinning into a dark hole! And then we get a phone call, or email, or text message or we see them and we are once again on the top of the world! But then we both go back to trying to hide our feelings. Why is that? Because we are trying to prolong the life of that amazing feeling we felt when we heard from them or saw them? But, if it is real and it's a relationship that will blossom into real love, then shouldn't that feeling be something with no limit? And of course in a relationship that feeling will not always be there, relationships are far too complicated for that. But if that feeling does start to fade, on either side, in the very early stages then wouldn't it make sense that is not the right person? And yes, ending a relationship is something that is extremely painful, and yet something that it seems, most people in the world have to go through. I do believe that it does make us stronger as people and having the experience of the relationship and both it's ups and downs does then teach us about ourself and what we want in a significant other. Of course, when getting back into a relationship there is bound to be fear that we're falling back into an old habit that we so desperately want to get away from. I am scared of that right now! Though, my American is nothing like my previous boyfriends and I'm certain that, whether our relationship ends up good or bad, he will always seem a better candidate for my love and affection than those I've given it to before. So regardless of the end result, I feel I'm making progress in the whole avoiding-bad-relationship-habits thing. I think what all relationship fear boils down to, is the fear of being hurt in the end. Which is always a possibility and I think something that is inevitable to happen at least once in everyone's life. And there are lots of different ways for these things to happen, but the key is that we get up after the hurt, we stitch our hearts back up and we eventually let people in again and let ourselves be the lover of someone who loves us once again. And we of course always hope that this time, it'll be right. Also, a thought that is going through my mind a lot lately. Though of course it's far too early to tell. And I'm so young anyways, it feels silly to be thinking about it. I am however, going to let myself feel the things I'm feeling, with no hindering and lots of fear, for my American. He is, as far as I can tell, a beautiful person and he says things to me that have never been said to me before. He has actually thanked me for being with him, and thanked me for letting certain things happen, which shocked me. I have never been thanked for anything to do with a relationship before. And he already has me at a comfort level that I would have never expected to feel so soon! Which is another thing that I fear. I have talked to him about it recently, but then feared that I was going to push him away with it, but it's honesty and honesty is a virtue, not a flaw. He seemed pretty understanding about it, a little hurt I think. He seems to think that I'm treating him as though he'd done something wrong to me, which of course I wasn't trying to do, but I may have been to some extent. What I thought I was doing, was trying to keep me from making mistakes that I've made before, such as allowing myself to have strong feelings for someone without them truly deserving them. I just wanted him to know that I am feeling nervous because with him it's hard to hold back my feelings. I think I've decided, however, that I don't need to hold back my feelings. As the old saying goes, "life is too short to not do what you want!" And I want to be happy with and feel great about this amazing man in my life who likes me, I think, as much as I like him.
Funny how a night out on the town by your lonesome can really make you think about your life. I should do this independent thing more often!

RIP Beauty

This is Ebony Beauty Walker. She was my family dog from 1995 to 2009. Yesterday in fact, August 4, 2009 is the day my dog passed away. We always referred to her as Beauty.

I remember the day we got our beautiful Beauty. It was Christmas of 95, I was five years old. My grandparents had come down to our house for Christmas that year, and so we were sitting in the living room with them after we'd opened up all the presents and we were just enjoying our new things and each other's company. Both of my parents got up and went into another room at one point, and when they came back they were holding this little black bundle, all fur and shining black eyes (which proceeded to get browner and browner over the years) and she had a huge purple bow around her neck. Apparently, when I saw her, I looked at my parents with my big brown eyes and excitement all over my face and in my voice and I asked them "Can we keep her for real?" I also remember holding Beauty for the first time. I was wearing a full length, plaid/red Christmas nighty and when I was holding her, she peed all down my dress! Later that morning, after Beauty had become acquainted with everyone and was a little more comfortable in the house she decided it was play time. She went tearing all over the upstairs, and at one point she was running through the kitchen across the tyle floor and she peed then too and ended up sliding on her pee all the way across the floor. It was adorable.
That morning we decided that we wanted to call her Ebony, but the only thing she'd respond to was Beauty. Thus proving her stubbornness was always there; she got to choose her own name!
She was the most insane dog. She was always excited and ready for activity. She was a full on retreiver from the get-go! That dog could chase a ball for days on end! I don't know how we lasted so long without one of those plastic flinger-thingers for tennis balls. And nothing would stop her from chasing the damn ball either! There was a time, I'm not sure how it happened, but she managed to get herself pretty hurt one day, she sliced open the inside of one of her hind legs and it was a mess! There was a huge layer of skin flapping around and it didn't even phase her! She was just "Throw the ball! Throw the ball!" and we're standing there going, "No, Beauty, we have to take you to get stitches! Get in the car!" There were a few incidents that were kind of like that. There was one time actually, I think that it was in autumn one year, my dad and I took Beauty to a lake in our town and we were throwing a stick into the water for her. When Beauty was on the shore one time, the pitbull appeared out of no where, just absolutely booking it towards our dog and jumped on her, grabbing onto Beauty's neck and getting it's crazy lock jaw business going on. My dad had to pound on the pitbull's head to get it to let go, and it was insane and scary for me to watch this, and then there was Beauty, she never dropped the stick throughout this incident and she never stopped wagging her tail! What a hysterical animal.
When we got Beauty, we had a cat, his name was Shadow. And Shadow, he always kept Beauty in line. He used to get in her face if she was doing something that he didn't approve of, and even though I'm pretty sure they got along pretty well, Shadow made damn sure that Beauty knew who's house she was in. After we had to put Shadow down because he'd eaten some anti-freeze, we ended up getting another cat, and I thought, "Okay, now Beauty get's to be the boss", soon did I find out that no, our new cat, Elwyn, was definitely the new boss. She treated Beauty exactly the same way that Shadow did... well there may have been less cuddling with Shadow. Elwyn was such a little devil with Beauty though, she'd come up to her all sweet and be rubbing her head against Beauty's face and neck and then suddenly jump on and bat at Beauty's snout! Claws out! But, Beauty, being the gentle creature she is, never did anything but sit up to get out of Elwyn's reach.
In the past six months or so signs of age have definitely been showing up on Beauty, she started peeing herself and she was losing control of her hind legs. She was doing okay though, she really seemed fairly healthy until about three weeks ago when our town got hit with quite the heat wave and her eyes were very droopy, and her inner eyelid kept coming up. And she started peeing herself more and she really couldn't get herself from one place to another very easily. And she lost her appetite and urge to hydrate herself entirely. She was so skinny by the time she passed that I'd be pretty surprised if she weighed fifty pounds.
Yesterday, my brother and I had both seen her earlier in the day and both saw her alive, but we had an appointment for her to go to the vet at 3 30 and when I went down to put her in the car, I saw that she wasn't breathing. I immediately called for my brother, then ran towards her, saw that her eyes were open and then I ran to the other side of the room and started balling. My brother came over and hugged me, then we went over to her. I sat down on the floor and pet her. I just touched the side of head and could instantly tell that she was in rigamortis, she was completely stiff. She was also totally cold already. It was the most bizarre thing, I'd never been close to a dead mammal before, especially not close enough to touch it, and I knew that dead things get cold, but damn she'd only been dead for a couple of hours and she was really cold, like holding your hand just above a frozen chunk of meat. That's what she felt like. Her tongue was also sticking out, I could see that it was still wet, but it had changed to a dark, dark purple colour. As I was sitting next to her crying, I kept repeating "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I don't even know what I was apologizing for. Maybe that we couldn't keep her healthier, maybe that she died alone, maybe I was just saying sorry that she'd died at all. And now the only way to describe how I felt then and still feel now, is just that it's weird.
Beauty has been part of my life for almost as long as I can remember, and now I have to look out at my big back yard where she's always been and know that she won't be there, and when we watch movies she won't be sitting by us wanting someone to pet her, and she won't be bothering people when we have outside dinners, and she won't be barking and panting and freaking out when there are people over or when there's thunder or fireworks, or when she's just being neurotic. I have to get used to all the silence. I'm gonna miss the frantic.
I love you Beauty, I'm gonna miss you girl.

The Latest Development in My World of Romance

This is the last stanza of a poem that I wrote about what's happened with the American.

We spent the second of July falling in and out of each other's lives.
Through kisses, touches, words, sounds and looks
I gained faith in the reality of the things you've told me before,
That you are a good man, that you don't believe in one night stands,
That you actually want to treat me right.
You don't like what you know about my past with boys,
And if I told you what you don't know... well, I don't know how you'd react.
I did go against a promise to myself to be with you.
I have told numerous people that, "I'm off the market until October."
See, that was the promise, a year after I left him would be when I'd
Allow myself to venture there again, into that world of sex and romance and feelings uncontrollable.
And I am a stubborn woman, not easily do I go against my own word.
And I hope you feel special.
Even if I don't show it in a way that you might expect,
I am in a state of euphoria just thinking about you,
I am nervous to have this long-distance, communicating-through-email, no-so-complicated relationship.
And perhaps it is the simplicity that is throwing me for a loop, because
In my mind it should be the short distance relationships, like the ones in my past, that are simple,
And yet, there they are in my memory, fucked up and hectic, confusing and painful and horrible,
So, I'm excited now for this new thing, this distance-protecting-me-from-harm-and-dependence thing.
And I hope that if this does grow, that it grows like a wild flower,
Organically and peacefully and brilliantly.

Random Thoughts...

I used to think that I was a poet, but it's been years since words could flow from my mind, through my pen and onto a page where I would feel utterly proud of what came out of me. Where I could see the workings of my frightened, or bewildered, or aroused mind. Now a blank page seems almost a challenge to me, though I love to curl the tip of my pen around an "s" or "g" and strike at the page with an "i" or "t". The movements feel so romantic to me, and yet the end result is so unsatisfying. I feel that I'm lacking a life worth literary acknowledgment, the boredom and the drama and the comedy of my past is so little, it only presents insignifigance. But, in my present there is a level of excitement that could perhaps be worth the time to be written and read. My romantic mind is being torn in three directions. These three are all so far from similar, and yet I find myself so equally attracted to them all. Currently only one of them is attainable, but my yearning for the others is there and strong. One of the three is Italian, and yes he lives in Italy, and so he is far out of my reach, though I intend to go to Italy at some point. Another is American and sometimes lives in Hawaii and other times lives in White Rock, and the third is a Canadian who lives right here, in the same town as me. Now, guess which one is the most attainable to me? If you guessed the Canadian, well, you'd be wrong. It's the American. And I want him so badly and for so many reasons. The Canadian too has attracted me in about every way possible, but he is not available for a few reasons, but I'm just gonna say he's taken. The American, however, has attracted all of me, he is physically attractive, he's intelligent, he's funny, he's sweet and he just seems genuine. Which seems like a kind of rare thing for me... He's new in my life, and I'm getting to know him still, but so far I can't really see any flaws. Though, I'm sure there's at least one, we all have them. I'm going to see him soon though, and I'm calmly ecstatic, and he's openly and expressedly ecstatic. And I love how he is. He seems like a really open and honest person, which is so good for me! I'm tired of liars, so I really hope he's not one.

I had this plan to stay away from anything romantic for a while longer, but then he came along and I felt so good about him and started to feel really excited about him and happy, a kind of happiness that I haven't felt in a long time, so I'm now cautiously throwing myself into this, and hoping for the best. It's been so long since romantic thoughts have consumed my mind, and yet it's so comfortable, for me, to be thinking this way.

As happy as I am about all of this, the Canadian is leaving me feeling a little bit confused. There is part of my mind that will not allow me to not think about him. He and I both know that we could never be, but I'm just happy that I have him in my life as a friend. And I hope he remains in my life as a friend for a long time to come.

Phil, Bill, and Anne

As of July 2008, there were 6,706,993,152 people in the world... I'm sure there are a couple more by now. But, at the same time, world wide, there are 153 thousand deaths per day, or 56 million per year.

Death is not something that scares me, but losing someone you love is never easy. Not having the option of going and seeing that person, whether you do see them regularily or not, is mind boggling. I've never lost anyone particularily close to me, but right now my grandpa has alzheimers. He was recently put into a home, and when my parents and I went to see him, he asked us, "Is this a prison?", to which we immediately said "no", he replied with, "Then why can't I leave?" It was so hard to see him look so helpless and confused.

I also have an uncle, on my mother's side, who has HIV/AIDS. He is extremely unhealthy. He has been loaded up on medications, which do help, but the problem is as soon as he starts to feel good, he drinks and eats whatever he wants, he parties and stops taking care of himself. He also has diabetes so he needs to be careful as it is, but he isn't and I so often fear for his life.

On my father's side, I have an aunt who has ovarian cancer, she has had it return numerous times. She hasn't had her ovaries for years now, but the cancer hasn't gone away. It is getting to the point where it's starting to seem that it's only a matter of time now.

I feel horrible that I don't know these three people better than I do, but as close as I could get to them when they're gone I'll only continue to feel horrible that I didn't know them better. I can only be happy for the time I have spent with them and be happy with the memories I have.

Death is an amazing, mysterious thing, but it is inevitably part of life. I personally, do not believe in God and therefore do not believe in Heaven, but if there ends up being something, anything, after this life, then I hope that these three people are happy.

Madam Life's a Piece in Bloom

This is not my poem... This was written by William Ernest Henley, who I have found to have some amazing and powerful poems. I just wanted to share it with the world, as something that I appreciate.

Madam Life's a piece in bloom
Death goes dogging everywhere:
She's the tenant of the room,
He's the ruffian on the stair.
You shall see her as a friend,
You shall bilk him once and twice;
But he'll trap you in the end,
And he'll stick you for her price.
With his kneebones at your chest,
And his knuckles in your throat,
You would reason--plead--protest!
Clutching at her petticoat;
But she's heard it all before,
Well she knows you've had your fun,
Gingerly she gains the door,
And your little job is done.

Female Genital Mutilation

WARNING: This post deals with very disturbing topics and the descriptions are graphic.

There are practices that often occur in Africa and India and I'm sure many other countries, and these practices have fallen under the title Female Genital Mutilation. There are four main procedures that occur, which I will talk about later. First, I believe that "dry sex" should also be called FGM. Many people think that dry sex is simply grinding against each other without actually having intercourse, but what dry sex really is, is women being forced to use herbal aphrodisiacs, household detergents and antiseptics to wipe out the vagina, or to place leaves in the vagina to minimize the amount of vaginal secretions. The point is to keep the female dry and tight to increase the male's pleasure during sex. This is often extremely painful for women and leaves the vagina swollen or peeling. How would you like to clean your vagina with antiseptics? Pretty horrific, if you ask me. Dry sex has also been found to have some connection with increasing the risk of HIV. I don't know how the increase would occur, but it does. Perhaps because of the tearing that occurs to the female; HIV being transferred though blood and all.
Now, back to those four main types of FGM. 1. This consists of slicing off only the clitoris. 2. The clitoris is amputated, and the labia minora are partially or totally removed. 3. The complete removal of the clitoris and labia minora, as well as the inner surface of the labia majora. The edges of the labia majora are brought together so that they will heal together; this leaves a small hood which covers the urethra and most of the vagina. This is called infibulation. If the hole left under the hood is not big enough for intercourse when the woman is married, the husband, or a close female relative of the husband, may cut the hood open. In places like Africa, this is sometimes done with any old knife that's lying around, if not a shard of glass. 4. Scraping of the skin around the vaginal opening and cuts from the vagina to the area in front of the anus (perineum). This is supposed to open the vagina for obstructed labour. This is also known as a "salt cut". It is done when a female experiences an "itching vulva, absence of menstruation, infertilty, obstructed labour, anaemia, malaria, and any condition that presents the symptoms of headache, oedema, fainting, or painful intercourse." All of these practices are highly dangerous and the level of suffering that these women go through is appalling and should just never occur. The simple and horrible fact of the matter is that these things occur because women are not in control of their own sexuality or bodies, and it has been left to men to make the decisions.
There are many things wrong in this life, but when I first came across this information it literally hurt me to read it. I was basically in tears and had to walk away from it numerous times before getting through it. I could never wish for something like this to happen to anyone, and I wonder how there are people who are so inhumane that they would actually be the one's to push this kind of abuse onto a female. No one deserves this kind of derision and suffering. To every person who has, would or will condone, promote or partake in such procedures, I hope you find misery and misfortune. And to all of the women who've endured such horrendous experiences, I'm sorry.

For Women and Those Who Respect Us

So, I'm quite a feminist. I am repulsed by people like Dick Masterson who believes that women are inferior beings who should only serve men and can't even be counted on to do that right. Well, he should be castrated, and preferably tortured... or just shot. Either is good for me, but people like him do not deserve life. He is a waste of skin.

Women, and girls, in today's society often seem to have it in their minds that their body is all that they have to offer the world, and that maintaining a good look is more important than maintaining a strong mind. I think that every single female on this earth should have the right to education and free will. No man should reserve to right to control anyone but their self. The world order is corrupt and patriarchy may not be the only reason for it, but no competent minded, rational human being can say that it hasn't contributed.

This poem is about women loving themselves for who they are and not just spreading their legs for any man who comes along.

-Dear Love-

You give them your body,
With no questions asked.
Well maybe just one:
“How much you got?”
Who taught you that
Money is all that you’re
Worth?
Your body is a temple!
Why don’t you cherish it?
Appreciate the perfection
Of the round of your breasts,
The beauty in the curve of your waist,
And the magic in the
Power of your mind.
Understand how lucky
Any man that has ever seen
Your smile is.
And tell those who come
Looking to cum
That they cannot afford you
Because Love, you are
Priceless!
It will take more than lust
To win you.
And don’t say no to this!
That, I forbid, because Love
You ARE too good for this,
You are so tender and divine.
Learn that you’re a goddess
And no man gets near,
Only a god.

Crazy Cliche Environmental Rant!

So, why is there so much damn corruption in this world? And why is, seemingly, everyone's opinion 'well, one person can't do anything about it, so why try?' I find that to be such a cop out for people who are just damn lazy! Guess what people? If all of those who use that ridiculous excuse got up off their asses and started fighting for something, don't you think that perhaps there would be quite a large group of people?! And there are people who are trying to make some sort of change for the good in this world and they need more support than they get. No, I am not the most pro active person around, in fact I'm pretty bad about these things, but I care about things that are going on in the world, and I refuse to partake in events that make me feel uncomfortable. I care about the deteriorating environment and Ozone layer, so when friends of mine tell me that they are going out into the bush to have a "tire-fire" I straight up let them know how fucking ridiculous and horrible I feel that that is. I've been to one in my life time; when I went out to a pit in the middle of no where to have a fire, I wasn't really aware that they would be piling all sorts of random tires that they found and pouring gasoline all over them and laughing when they explode and laughing at the enormous black clouds of smoke that went barrelling into the sky. I almost felt like crying for how much death and destruction that that act alone possibly caused. I couldn't even stay, the person I was with was having quite a bit of fun just being completely apathetic towards the cost that it would later have on the world. He even knew that it bothered me, and teased me by saying "look at that black smoke, isn't that awesome?!" well, No, it isn't fucking awesome, it's horrific, and I can't believe that I actually partook in such a repulsive action. And what really pisses me off is, that friend of mine will never give a shit because he'll be dead by the time the effects are really evident, which is more or less what he said to me, only in less intelligent terms. I hope he never reproduces because he won't care what happens to his children, or their offspring. A very large percentage of people don't seem to understand that sending toxic fumes and mass amounts of black smoke into the atmosphere might be why we have a dying Ozone layer and why there is more damage to our world and the surrounding space than people have ever known of. Sometimes I almost hope that humans wipe themselves out, just so that Earth has a chance at survival, but there is too much beauty and there are too many good people for me to really want such a thing. I just wish people would smarten the fuck up and REALLY start working towards a bettered world.

I believe that in all likelihood humans will, one day, kill themselves off, but I don't think it's fair to tear the Earth down with us. I am currently talking to a friend about the subject, and he brought up the point "No person has evolved enough to catch up to a speeding car by running, have we evolved enough socially/intellectually to do anything but postpone our demise?" Well, I highly doubt that we have. Or ever really will, unless something similar to "The Day the Earth Stood Still" happens, and half of the world is wiped out by micro-insects that devour everything in their path. And even then, I think we'd fight until we could force the "alien" beings to leave and then we'd go back to our old ways, with newspaper headings like "There was something in the world's water, don't worry about it". And obviously, the media would never lie to us! Which is probably why we're in the state we are, we had no real knowledge about what was going on in our world until it was too late, because the people who are supposed to keep us informed about the world's business are controlled by goverments. Hell, in China, one of the worst countries for air pollution, they have complete control over all media and entertainment. I wonder how hidden the nation's people are from how damaging their country is to the entire world? You'd think that walking outside and seeing a gray smog over every city would give them a clue, but humans can be pretty stupid.

I just researched something very interesting! and just says so much about propaganda! So, China is bad about air pollution. In 1999, carbon dioxide emission reached 18.57 million tons, air pollution emission reached 11.59 million tons and industrial dust emission reached 11.75 million tons. Pretty horrible huh? Well, in the United States between 1970 and 2006 carbon monoxide emissions fell from 197 million tons to 89 million tons, nitrogen oxide emissions fell from 27 million tons to 19 million tons, and sulfur dioxide emissions fell from 31 million tons to 15 million tons. So, even after a ridiculous amount of improvement, the US is still WAY worse than China. And yet, we so often hear about how horrible China is for these things. Oh, you gotta love propaganda! Perhaps the United States should start looking at themselves as harshly as at everyone else. I haven't even checked how bad Canada is, I'm a lil frightened to.

So, there it is, humans are pretty fucked all around. I hope we learn one day. (To those who really try to live good lives, are environmentally friendly and who put effort in to not being harmful to anyone or anything, this is not directed at you, please don't take my insults to humans as being directed towards you and I hope you've read the whole thing to get to this part)

The Summer Bucket List

There is something about a sunny spring day that just makes me feel good. It's no wonder to me that this is the time of year for new life. Flowers are popping up, animals are being born; every morning, I hear the distant chirping of hungry baby birds. Serenity and peace seem to be all around on a day like today. Where I live, the norm for weather is rain. But, sometimes we do get some absolutely gorgeous weather. Most years the smell of our mill has interrupted the beauty of such a nice day, but this year the mill is closed, and as much as that sucks for all of those who were employees and their families, I am so happy to not have to smell that stench. I can finally go for a walk, or open a window without getting a headache.
The sun has made me feel extremely energized and I'm getting more and more excited for the summer. When I'm free of homework, when there are no more research papers for me to write, I will be out livin' it up in the sun. Haha, here's hoping anyways.

So, I was instructed to create a Summer Bucket List, so here it is, a rough draft of it anyways...

1. Borrowing my dad's truck for a weekend and going on a road trip to Vic and Tofino with my girly
2. Go camping... lots, if possible
3. HIKING
4. Buffy Marathon... it has to happen one day
5. Jogging, working out
6. Go to lakes/beaches/get a tan, haha
7. Write like a crazy person!
8. Take pictures like a crazy person!
9. Go swimming, play frizbee, other random sports with friends :)
10. Hopefully... MEET PEOPLE haha
11. Get a job, find some direction to my life

There it is... I'm sure there's more I wanna do, but this is all I could think of off the top of my head. I really hope that all of these things happen! It would be a fantastic summer if they did.

We Desire Happiness (Work in Progress)

So, I watched the Pursuit of Happiness last night, and I'm guessing that's why I had an urge to write a poem about happiness, which sadly is not what I normally write about. I for some reason find it much easier to focus on the darkness and misery in the world, and I'm not trying to point the finger of blame, but I think the way the media is set up helps. News focuses on disasters and deaths and negatives more than positives. It's a crazy world we live in.

-We Desire Happiness-

People live, search and love for happiness.
To find a fraction of that eternal smile.
Tears of joy don't slip from our shining eyes often enough,
The ache of muscles in our cheeks is always welcome, but never lasts.
We crave the shrieks and squeels of absolute euphoria.
But we have preconceived notions that money can bring it to us,
So we strive and struggle and stress for this,
Following our indoctrinated thoughts, rather than our hearts.
Our hearts beat loud enough to be heard for a reason,
They are there to guide us!
When we find something that we truly love, our hearts jump!
Crying out to us, "Yes! You want this!"
Too often do we turn away, then later wonder why we feel so lost.
There is true happiness in this life,
Powerful and beautiful and individual,
So we, sentient humans, need to discover our passions
And don't stop searching for it until you're happy.

Welcome Blogging People

Welcome to my blog! So, my dad has told me for a long time that I should start a blog, and today, my friend started one for herself and I decided to conform.
I've always been very interested in poetry and I've written poetry since I was quite young, but only in the last three or four years have I found myself actually being proud of some of my work. This blog will be used to show some of my poetry and whatever other random thoughts that I feel merrit being shown to the world.

To start off my poetry theme, here's one that I wrote for my father's birthday and I performed it two days after his fifty second birthday at a poetry slam held by my college english teacher.



-Happy Birthday Daddy-

This year Daddy, you turn fifty-two.
And this poem, is to thank you,
For all of the wonderful things you do
And the wonderful things you are.

This poem is to thank you for always being there
To make sure that your little girl
Is okay.
And Daddy, your little girl is better than okay.

You and mommy have made me
Who I am,
And though I don’t always love myself
I love and thank you both.

But, Daddy, this poem is for you.
To let you know how grateful I am
That you are who you are.
And, Old man, you are one of a kind.

Thank you for your sense of humour,
For your strength and your patience.
These things that are teaching me
How to cope with all the drama of life.

Thank you for telling me you still loved me
When I lost my virginity at far too young an age
And for holding me when you found out that
I’d expressed my regret with a blade in my skin.

Thank you for being comfortable enough with yourself
That you can cry during sad movies and sentimental moments.
And for being mommy’s shoulder to cry on,
On those rare occasions when she breaks down.

Thank you for giving up your partier ways,
Before bringing my brothers and I into this life.
And for never giving up on
Keeping this family afloat.

Thank you for always having
Your arms open for a hug
When my arms
Aren’t enough

Thank you for reading me anthologies of poetry
When I was just a little girl,
And giving me this love of language
Which I’ve used to write this poem.

You, Daddy, are the type of man
That everybody can admire.
You have many sides to you,
But you are never fake.

When I look at you, Daddy,
I smile because I feel blessed.
When I look at you, Daddy,
I smile because I know how lucky I am.

So, on this fifty-second year of your life,
Do not fear your age or think of death,
But rejoice in the knowledge of how loved you are,
And know that you are the most amazing man in your little girl’s world.