Random Thoughts...

I used to think that I was a poet, but it's been years since words could flow from my mind, through my pen and onto a page where I would feel utterly proud of what came out of me. Where I could see the workings of my frightened, or bewildered, or aroused mind. Now a blank page seems almost a challenge to me, though I love to curl the tip of my pen around an "s" or "g" and strike at the page with an "i" or "t". The movements feel so romantic to me, and yet the end result is so unsatisfying. I feel that I'm lacking a life worth literary acknowledgment, the boredom and the drama and the comedy of my past is so little, it only presents insignifigance. But, in my present there is a level of excitement that could perhaps be worth the time to be written and read. My romantic mind is being torn in three directions. These three are all so far from similar, and yet I find myself so equally attracted to them all. Currently only one of them is attainable, but my yearning for the others is there and strong. One of the three is Italian, and yes he lives in Italy, and so he is far out of my reach, though I intend to go to Italy at some point. Another is American and sometimes lives in Hawaii and other times lives in White Rock, and the third is a Canadian who lives right here, in the same town as me. Now, guess which one is the most attainable to me? If you guessed the Canadian, well, you'd be wrong. It's the American. And I want him so badly and for so many reasons. The Canadian too has attracted me in about every way possible, but he is not available for a few reasons, but I'm just gonna say he's taken. The American, however, has attracted all of me, he is physically attractive, he's intelligent, he's funny, he's sweet and he just seems genuine. Which seems like a kind of rare thing for me... He's new in my life, and I'm getting to know him still, but so far I can't really see any flaws. Though, I'm sure there's at least one, we all have them. I'm going to see him soon though, and I'm calmly ecstatic, and he's openly and expressedly ecstatic. And I love how he is. He seems like a really open and honest person, which is so good for me! I'm tired of liars, so I really hope he's not one.

I had this plan to stay away from anything romantic for a while longer, but then he came along and I felt so good about him and started to feel really excited about him and happy, a kind of happiness that I haven't felt in a long time, so I'm now cautiously throwing myself into this, and hoping for the best. It's been so long since romantic thoughts have consumed my mind, and yet it's so comfortable, for me, to be thinking this way.

As happy as I am about all of this, the Canadian is leaving me feeling a little bit confused. There is part of my mind that will not allow me to not think about him. He and I both know that we could never be, but I'm just happy that I have him in my life as a friend. And I hope he remains in my life as a friend for a long time to come.