Brave Little Me

Tonight for the first time in my not-very-long life I went to a movie by myself. It was, amazingly, a lot of fun. I'm a very cowardly person and not independent in the least, and yet I managed to get my ass out of the house and do something that I find to be a small but very exciting accomplishment. Coincidentally the movie had a lot to do with blogging. The movie was "Julie & Julia", which was very adorable. I especially enjoyed my experience because while I was out doing something that I found oddly empowering for such a simple and trivial thing, the movie was about empowering yourself.
And of course the movie also had elements of romance, because well, how many movies about women don't? Honestly? Anyways, the movie got me strongly thinking about and missing my American. After I got home, I was standing in my kitchen at the sink, drinking a glass of water, just thinking of a conversation between he and I, a conversation that has never actually occured, and I got so happy thinking about him that my eyes started to tear up! Just thinking about him makes me that happy! I don't think I've ever felt like this so quickly before and it is scary! A question to all people who know what it's like to be in a very new relationship and be feeling things that you didn't think you were at all ready to feel, should you resist the feelings or go with them?
I was thinking, recently actually, about people's behaviour when it comes to romance; when we like someone a lot we often try our best to hide those feelings from our special someone. We resist telling them how we really feel, we try not to phone them or email them or text them or see them as much as we want. But we want them to want us badly enough to be doing all of those things as much as we want to be, and yet, they're probably in the same position as us; they're trying to hide their feelings from you. Which as far as I can tell is only something that seems to make people crazy! We become paranoid that our special someone doesn't find us special or they're getting bored and don't want to be with us and all of our hopes and dreams of true love come crashing down in front us and our world starts spinning into a dark hole! And then we get a phone call, or email, or text message or we see them and we are once again on the top of the world! But then we both go back to trying to hide our feelings. Why is that? Because we are trying to prolong the life of that amazing feeling we felt when we heard from them or saw them? But, if it is real and it's a relationship that will blossom into real love, then shouldn't that feeling be something with no limit? And of course in a relationship that feeling will not always be there, relationships are far too complicated for that. But if that feeling does start to fade, on either side, in the very early stages then wouldn't it make sense that is not the right person? And yes, ending a relationship is something that is extremely painful, and yet something that it seems, most people in the world have to go through. I do believe that it does make us stronger as people and having the experience of the relationship and both it's ups and downs does then teach us about ourself and what we want in a significant other. Of course, when getting back into a relationship there is bound to be fear that we're falling back into an old habit that we so desperately want to get away from. I am scared of that right now! Though, my American is nothing like my previous boyfriends and I'm certain that, whether our relationship ends up good or bad, he will always seem a better candidate for my love and affection than those I've given it to before. So regardless of the end result, I feel I'm making progress in the whole avoiding-bad-relationship-habits thing. I think what all relationship fear boils down to, is the fear of being hurt in the end. Which is always a possibility and I think something that is inevitable to happen at least once in everyone's life. And there are lots of different ways for these things to happen, but the key is that we get up after the hurt, we stitch our hearts back up and we eventually let people in again and let ourselves be the lover of someone who loves us once again. And we of course always hope that this time, it'll be right. Also, a thought that is going through my mind a lot lately. Though of course it's far too early to tell. And I'm so young anyways, it feels silly to be thinking about it. I am however, going to let myself feel the things I'm feeling, with no hindering and lots of fear, for my American. He is, as far as I can tell, a beautiful person and he says things to me that have never been said to me before. He has actually thanked me for being with him, and thanked me for letting certain things happen, which shocked me. I have never been thanked for anything to do with a relationship before. And he already has me at a comfort level that I would have never expected to feel so soon! Which is another thing that I fear. I have talked to him about it recently, but then feared that I was going to push him away with it, but it's honesty and honesty is a virtue, not a flaw. He seemed pretty understanding about it, a little hurt I think. He seems to think that I'm treating him as though he'd done something wrong to me, which of course I wasn't trying to do, but I may have been to some extent. What I thought I was doing, was trying to keep me from making mistakes that I've made before, such as allowing myself to have strong feelings for someone without them truly deserving them. I just wanted him to know that I am feeling nervous because with him it's hard to hold back my feelings. I think I've decided, however, that I don't need to hold back my feelings. As the old saying goes, "life is too short to not do what you want!" And I want to be happy with and feel great about this amazing man in my life who likes me, I think, as much as I like him.
Funny how a night out on the town by your lonesome can really make you think about your life. I should do this independent thing more often!